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    The Great Splendini

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    my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Thu Apr 17, 2014 12:47 pm

    every time i think i'm going to try to improve things,

    the universe hits me with yet another curve ball.

    fucking monumental obstacles and setbacks.

    the WORLD is a dark place, motherfuckers.

    a formidable FOE.

    but like everest, it can be conquered.

    and i will have YOU at MY FEET for a change, WORLD.

    you slippery snake motherfucker you.

    SOON.


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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:44 pm

    Yeah, I can barely stand up at this point without drinking myself back into oblvion.

    So actually your goals are a lot loftier, and good luck with that.

    I'm just going for the country cottage myself. And that's still a million miles away.

    Step one in my "master plan" is stop drinking alcohol, and I've been on it for about 8 years, failing constantly.

    So, you know, I'd be happy to just make over that threshhold.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:56 pm

    I drank myself into such an obvlivion you imagine it.  In fact nobody is gonna believe this, I'm not even sure I believe this.

    I hit a point detoxing where it felt like something snapped in my brain (maybe a stroke or something who knows)

    And for about 48 hours this TV screen appeared in my mind, well a screen anyway, and it was clear as crystal.  And I can't sleep cuz my body is wracked with pain, and every time I close my eyes the screen pops up and starts flipping through pictures, really detailed alien landscapes, like millions of cogs and machine parts moving, bizarre creatures, spacescapes, hellscapes and so much like that.  Then sometimes it even shows videos, and they're ultra-fucked too, and detailed.  There's also audio, and if you think a question at it, it will answer with video or even print, and let you move around in the picture in 3D.

    Like right in the front of my forehead.  Maybe like the part of brain that dreams overlapped, or it's some third eye shit.  Anyway, I've lost reception today, and I'm happy about that it.  The subscription price for Hell TV is way too high.

    I'm starting to recover to the point where i can write and watch videos (on the computer), i even cleaned the house a bit today.  

    I won't get into all the horrific physical symptoms, but I was sucking down medication just to stay alive.  I was at Death's Door this time.

    I came close drinking over Christmas, I had visions then too.  But nothing like this.  And HELLivision does not shut off, you just close you eyes it pops up immediately in high-def and starts tormenting you automatically.


    Last edited by Psioncy on Thu Apr 17, 2014 9:48 pm; edited 2 times in total


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:57 pm

    Please excuse me, I need to go pray my ass off for a while.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Thu Apr 17, 2014 4:37 pm

    sorry, i'm gonna read that later. i'm tired coz i'm feeling ill today.

    i met a chinese guy who said he could control his dreams. not sure if he was telling the truth.

    and i nearly died maybe 2 or 3 times in my life.

    the gods decided that i need to live longer i guess and cut me some slack.

    but i've come close to death a coupla 2-3 times.


    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Thu Apr 17, 2014 4:39 pm

    in fact, i think i should make my near-death experience into a short story.

    it might be compelling enough.

    the other ones were:
    1 - falling asleep at the wheel while on a long drive (yeah, i'm fucking stupid)
    2 - another near-death at the wheel experience where i lost control of the steering wheel because there was something faulty with the thingamijigs that connect the steering wheel to the wheels.

    but there's not much of a story there.


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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:30 am

    Yeah I've had a couple of those "Life Flash Before Your Eyes" experiences.  Most of my close calls have been when I'm drunk though, and it doesn't happen then.  When you're blind drunk, it's pretty easy to face death.  In fact that's what alcoholism is all about, suicide.  Some subconciouss part of me, or my soul, or something beyond or below my rational thinking brain truly wants to put an end to things.  And once alcohol gets into my system it just takes over and starts drinking as much as possible and behaving dangerously in an attempt to reach Oblivion.

    Most of what I've done, I can't even remember at all.  So it's easy to trick myself into repeating it.

    Those moments when the car is flying off the road and you're wondering "Is this it?"  I get a sense of excitement, it's not even fear.  It's almost a kind of calm.  But of course, I should be scared as hell.  Even if I'm not scared of death, one ought to be scared of debilitating injury.

    I am scared of death actually.  My recent brush with it drove that home.  Maybe if I'd been seeing a white light instead of nightmarish hellscapes I'd feel differently.  OTOH, those images are as intriguing as they are horrifying.  I was actually trying to get them back last night, but I fell asleep instead.  The first time in five days.

    I better not try to get them back, I'd better strike them from my mind.  Otherwise my subconcious is gonna drive me to drink again, and I won't survive another one like that.  I'm damn lucky to be alive.  I was just drinking to postpone the aftereffects of the drinking.  Which, unfortunately, works. But it's also a cumalitive effect when you do face up finally. I went as far as one can possibly go without biting it. All my sytems are ravaged, it's in my brain, heart, everywhere in body. Even still I'm not out of the woods. If this isn't rock bottom, I don't know what is. There's only death beyond this.

    That bender is such a blurr, it went on like a week and half.   You'll notice I was shitfaced every time I posted.  Some days I was drinking 15 bottles of yaojiu.  Just bags and bags of liquor bottles were going into my trash.  I can't imagine what my neighbors think.  I only have a few neighbors and they're chinese, so you just KNOW they talk to the trash guy and discuss how much liquor the laowai is drinking.  I'm sure they're impressed.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:01 am

    It was some crazy shit.  My refrigerator hums pretty loud, and I could hear music in that humming, any song I wanted.   And it would talk to me, and answer questions I posed to Hellivision.  I was talking to fridge a lot trying to deduce whether Hellivision was a window to something outside myself, or being entirely produced by my own mind.  On the one hand, those images and videos and well I was *inside* at times... they're so complex, so artistic... just beyond anything I've ever seen produced by any artist.  So I can't believe my own mind is creating them.  But on the other hand, I asked Hellivision to confirm itself in real life in a number of ways, like sending me an email and stuff like that, and none of it happened.  That makes me think it was just dreamworks at work.  

    Either way, I can't win.  Having that all contained in my own mind is in many ways worse than the thought of Hell being real.  Cuz that's means it *is* real and exists inside of me.

    I don't know what to do.  I'm just gonna focus on my recovery and do whatever I can to keep my mind under control so I don't trick myself into going back.

    I'll pray to God to help me.  Though I did that quite sincerely after christmas drinking, and it failed.  I know I'm not supposed to say that, but it's a fact.

    I was on my knees daily praying to The Lord.  I even prayed that he help me control my thinking in the future so that I don't stray.  

    I know I know, the answer to that is that the onus on me not to stray, but losing control and straying is exactly what I was begging him to help me with, so  you know...  I mean, come on  Rolling Eyes   If God is gonna save someone, he shouldn't shrug his shoulders and through catch 22s at you because He fails to do it.  It's like "blame the victim" down here.

    Jesus, I'm probably just pissing Him off more talking like that.  But I mean I *bowed* and prayed and cried and everything.  I don't know what more to it there is.  

    I'm forced to conclude He can't save me.  My only hope is *me*.  And given my track record of trying to save myself, that's a real a long shot.  All I can do it try again.  I know it's the end now, I've seen the other side.   People are no answer either, that's for sure.

    There's no help, there's just no help.  

    I know I've come that realization before, but never so clearly as now.  Hopefully that's enough for me to finally get it together.  It's do or die, no slip-ups.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:03 am

    There you go.  Long conversations with my fridge.  It doesn't get more batshit insane than that, does it?

    I was hearing so much music.  Some of it was classic rock and stuff I like, some of it was chanting like buddhist stuff, and other weird stuff I can't describe so well.  I kept thinking my neighbors were playing music, but if i focused hard enough I could make it turn back into the steady hum of my fridge.  It's a steady tone, so I don't know how I was breaking into so many other sounds.  Like now my fridge is not making any sound at all.  Maybe it's broken.

    I should check, I haven't looked inside for quite a while.

    A few eggs, mayonaisse, and some rancid cabbage.  And a bottle of hot sauce.  They're cold at least.  I guess I  should toss out the rancid cabbage and eat the rest of the stuff.  

    Which would be Deviled Eggs... with hot sauce.  

    Jesus, help me!!!!!!!  I have an evil fridge.  That's what going on.

    No, it's just a coincidence, it's got to be.  Maybe I should just unplug damned thing to be on the safe side.  The market is nearby, I can just eat fresh food, it's healthier anyway.  I barely use the fridge.  Until a few months ago it wasn't even plugged in after I moved in.  I just used it as a storage cabinet for like a year.  Then I plugged it in finally and it was really loud like all the time and sputtering.  Now it's being completely silent.

    Oh shit.  As soon as I said it was being silent, it came back on again!  

    Nah, I'm being totally paranoid, that's how all fridges work.  They come on and they go off.  Yeah this is ridiculous.  The problem here is entirely ME, I shouldn't blame the fridge.  I'm the one who bought the stuff that's in there and forgot about it.  It's MY brain that's hearing things in the fridge's hum.

    This reminds me of Dirk Gently, he had a similar relationship with his fridge.  Except that his was about it being so dirty no one could open it.  Mine's actually quite clean, save for the rancid cabbage.  Actually I bet I could hotpot up that rancid cabbage, it's just suancai after all.  

    No that's gooey brown rot, not sauerkraut. I"m gonna toss it.  What was I thinking, eating that?  It's the fridge that's putting these thoughts in me!   affraid affraid affraid 

     lol!


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:20 pm

    Maybe you should go back home.

    At least you are more likely to have a support group if things get really bad.

    China worsens any problems. It's not an easy place to live at all.

    I don't drink, but China has been pretty hard on me psychologically.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sun Apr 20, 2014 5:11 am

    Nah, there's no support there either.  There is no help, only the illusion of it.

    Although it would be easier to quit drinking if alcohol were less abundant.  On my ride home from work I'm going by a hundred bars shops and restaurants that all sell liquor.  And I have to go into at least one or two of these establishments to eat or buy necessities.

    So you know, 24 hours a day 7 days a week i'm only minutes away from that liquor, so it's gonna get me at some point.

    In the US a lot of shops just sell beer and wine, which barely tempt me because they are like water to me.  And in the countryside it's a pretty intentional act to go to the store cuz you have to drive a ways.  So yeah it might be better for quitting drinking than here in that respect.

    There's no help, just the illusion of it.  There are people who will tell you they are there for you if you ever need help, but when you really do... watch them balk.  I only have one choice, as all I ever I do.  I have to take rock solid vigilant control over my own mind.  That illusion of help, all these false hopes, THOSE are what fuck me up and drive me to drink.  That is what is killing me: The World of Lies.  

    I don't belong in it, I can't function in it anymore, and I have to remove myself from it entirely.  Or at least remove my own mind of it, in order to deal with it effectively without getting sucked into it.  I can't deal in lies anymore. That's what the weakness that gets me, my own lies tricking me into drinking.  "Just have a beer"  "Just have one or two"  "Maybe you'll meet a girl at the bar"  "Just keep busy while you drink and you won't drink too much"  "Drink more slowly and you won't drink too much"  "Start drinking later/earlier and you won't drink too much"  "You managed to go a week without drinking.  Drinking once a week is OK, so go for it"  and on and on and on like that.  Half the time it's just "Go to the store you need water/cigs/food" which on the surface is true, but really it's a lie cuz i'm secretly harboring another motive.  And sure enough, once at the store I end up walking out with liquor somehow.  It's fkn insane, and it's all based on lies.

    Others will reinforce them for me is all they will do, they will just tell me the same things.  People will tell me shit like "A little alcohol is good for your heart."  When in reality if I drink a drop of liquor it will lead to a bender that raised my BP and damages my heart. If I try to get a date she will say "Let's get a drink".   If I say I can't drink I have an alcohol problem they will say "One or two is ok" and "Drinking problem?  Just stick to beer."  and just all the same worthless shit.

    I'm a raging alcoholic, my only solution is to totally abstain from alcohol.  That's it.  That's the TRUTH, and there's compromising with it.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Sun Apr 20, 2014 9:12 am

    so go teach english in SAUDI ARABIA, where:

    1 - alcohol is illegal
    and
    2 - they have the highest pay rates in the world - 35K USD tax-free or more. you'll get out of debt real quick. and if you stay a few years, you can save for a house. also, they have long paid holidays so you can do other stuff.


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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sun Apr 20, 2014 10:15 am

    Yeah I think you need a degree in education for that. Also I've lived in the middle east, Egypt. The expats had a massive pipeline for alcohol. It's illegal technically, but not so much for expats. Maybe Saudi is more strict, i dunno. It's not a bad idea, but I don't think I have much option for the time being but to get it together here somehow.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Sun Apr 20, 2014 12:26 pm

    also, back home there are psychologists.

    and if you really can't sort your drinking out yourself to the point where it's hurting your life, you should seriously consider one of these types of people to help you out at some point.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:16 pm

    I appreciate your concern, I really do.  But as I've mentioned THERE IS NO HELP.

    I get that you haven't fully figured that out yet, but I have.  My recent experience drove it home 100%.

    There is only the illusion of help, it is the illusion of hope.  All supplanted to cause torment.

    We just couldn't suffer nearly as much without it.

    It's a weakness and a deadly one.

    They have AA in Beijing, and I tried it.  But guess what?  It's unbearable, it's listening people talk.

    And talk and talk and talk.  And talk.  

    Which might be theurapuetic for the talker (at least on a thread anyone is welcome to skip or skim) but not so good for the listener.

    People are not the answer.

    I keep thinking a GF might be the answer, but in my life as it stands these past years, all the women are hypothetical bullshit too. They drag me out waiting for them long-distance, and while I'm waiting, they "move on" with their lives.  And the result is always the same.  Me, here alone, drinking myself to death.

    There's no help.  None.

    People will tell you they are here for you, but when the time comes that you need anything, they balk.

    They all but dry up and disappear.  

    So what is left to do but embrace solitude and make peace with that?  Nothing.  That is all there is to do.

    I witnessed some incredible aspects of my own mind, things I could never see outside of it.  There are worlds there, and I can explore those through writing.

    That's what I"m gonna do.  When my job finishes, I'm gonna take a month or two and write.  Buy food at the market every day, walk around my neighborhood, clean a bit, drink some coffee, post or watch a video, and write.  All zen and in the moment like, without a thought of worthless shitty lying HOPE.

    And by doing that, I'm pretty confident I can avoid the liquor too.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:48 pm

    But hey, we can change topics. This was your thread to talk about your sucky life. I'm not trying to outsuck it or anything.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Sun Apr 20, 2014 7:25 pm

    yeah, but you seem to like making excuses for yourself.

    at AA, you didn't meet one person who had anything in common with you and who you could connect with in any way? seems rather odd. and anyway, i mean so what if you have to endure people talking? do you want to deal with your problem or not?

    and do ALL past relationships foretell how ALL future relationships are going to unfold?

    and.... you have NOT ONE FAMILY MEMBER? no parents? aunts? uncles? siblings? they're all DEAD? they all don't return your phone calls?

    and.... there is SOME help in the form of literature/books/philosophy. although some real-life humans are necessary as well.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Sun Apr 20, 2014 10:03 pm

    That's right, I don't have one human being in my life to talk to about it. That's how fkn bad it is.

    I need to do it here on a forum.

    And what's wrong with listening to people talk is that I can't stand listening to people talk, there's no end to it.

    I'm quitting my job cuz I can't stand listening to people all day and I need some silence.

    You know what I do after an AA meeting? My brain is so frenzied from all that listening that my feet automatically head straight to a bar. That's what.

    Silence would go a *much* longer way towards keeping me sober I think.

    I'm still reading their stuff and doing some online things though.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Apr 21, 2014 12:44 pm

    Yeah but you never SPECIFICALLY answered my questions.

    Your folks and hillbilly relatives all died in a plane crash over the Andes Mountains while taking a family vacation together to watch a South American FIFA World Cup match or what?

    That has to have something to do with the problem.

    And .... seriously though, "talking" to someone is one thing. But if you're expecting to find someone to let you crash at their place while they work and pay rent and you sit around drinking all day, I think you're delusional.

    And .... AA is that bad, huh? Still, you could have made some effort to meet someone there that you could connect with. I mean, other people with the same problem are the most likely to relate to you.

    And ... get out of Beijing and go to a tropical fucking island and sit on a fucking beach if you can.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Apr 21, 2014 1:08 pm

    No offense, but all your advice is worthless.

    No, I'm not getting into the specifics of my family, but they are useless.

    When I say there is NO HELP, I mean there is no help.

    If you're not convinced, or don't like that conclusion, fine.  Deal with your issues in accordance with another line of thinking.

    I don't have a choice here.

    I'm not going to some "tropical island" and running out of money.  I've got advanced rent paid here and loads of work opportunities.  And I know how to live here.  Up and booking it elsewhere is too risky.  I did that before and paid for it dearly.

    I run out of money, I'm fucking dead.   That's all there is too it.  I'm not the kind of person that can be dependent on others, in fact I think I'd prefer death to that. And if I didn't, there's no one there anyway.

    About "friends" i can relate to, I've been alone so long I don't even know what that means, I can't even do it.  

    The best "friend" I've got is you, and frankly... well I won't say it but... you can probably guess.

    There used to be women, that was fun at least.  They've long since dried up. No, at the end of the day there's only me to rely on.

    I'm at peace with that now I think.  Mostly.  All other people will do is fuck me up and ruin my sobriety.

    Alone I can cope at least.  

    I'm back from death's door, and my perspective is fresh.  I need to hold onto that.

    I may still go for the GF if I can find one.  There was one from my wild time that was pretty good, so I emailed her.  But she may have another BF by now or live elsewhere, who knows.  I'm not holding out HOPE that's for sure.

    I'm just not a people person.  Look at the forums, the only way I know how to interact with people is through conflict.  A product of being brought up in my lovely "family".   Rolling Eyes 

    Nah, a nice girl that I don't argue with, that's enough me.  Well, that and free time and enough money.  But I can't even manage to get that into place.  So be it.  

    You know what I mean, the kind of girl that doesn't rattle your brain and try to manipulate you constantly.  There are some like that, and maybe even a couple I foolishly passed by.


    Last edited by Psioncy on Mon Apr 21, 2014 2:36 pm; edited 1 time in total


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Apr 21, 2014 1:09 pm

    Now please, by all means, talk about your shit, so I can haughtily throw out a bunch of inapplicable and impractical advice at you.

    I'm totally dying to do it too!


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Tue Apr 22, 2014 2:19 pm

    sorry,

    i'm not letting you off the hook that easy sugartits.

    your family is at the heart of the problem.

    and your refusal to discuss it is part of the problem.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Tue Apr 22, 2014 3:37 pm

    I think I've exposed enough of myself already.

    Mr. I-Won't-Even-Admit-I'm-Canadian.  Rolling Eyes 

    I'm not talking about my family on here.  When I say they are useless, I mean exactly that.  I've been providing for myself (and others) since I was a teenager.  If I appealed to any of them for "help", I would just end up mired up to my eyeballs in their shit, and any assistance of any sort coming my way would get long forgotten in the mix.

    I'm trying to make myself *more* sane here, not less.

    There's a reason I live on the opposite side of the world from those parasites.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
    avatar
    Psioncy

    Posts : 6367
    Join date : 2010-05-02

    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  Psioncy on Tue Apr 22, 2014 3:57 pm

    I hate to get all emo here, but it's true.  I'm an empath.  And it's a fkn curse.

    There's just no end to what people try to take from me.  Take take take take take.

    Well, bitches, you've officially bled me dry.  So fuck you.

    Putting up walls and isolated myself is not a statement against society and the world or human nature or anything like that.

    It's simply a matter of self-preservation at this point.

    I'm gonna stay sober and rebuild my strength.

    I talked to a couple people online today, and all it did was make me want to dive into a bottle.  Already!

    I'm only now becoming humanly functional again.  I just ravaged myself with that last bender, every system of my body.

    Today I didn't need to take blood pressure pills finally.  I bought a bunch and if I hadn't have been eating them by the boxfull for the last week my heart surely would have exploded.

    Today my heart is back again to a nice natural 60-70 BPM.  And I'm not gonna let family, or "friends" or work or ANYONE fuck that up.

    In the past 8 years I've head my head cracked open, my back broken, my neck broken, my muscles ripped, profuse bleeding, and just too many injuries to count.  No idea how I got any of them either.  That's the first thing I do when I wake up is check myself for injuries.  It's ridiculous.

    Fortunately my body is very good at healing.  This last one though, honestly, I didn't think I was gonna make it.  I was at the gate, and it's wasn't heaven't either.  I even got pulled in and fought my way back out.

    Now all the rationalizing is starting.  You were just hallucinating, etc etc.  

    I didn't think they were no damn hallucinations at the time though.

    No.  Solitude and control.  I have to get my mind in order still.  It's so easy to slip up, so very easy to walk out my door and be buying a bottle of liquor in 3 minutes.

    Everyone can fuck themselves.  I'm not gonna let you do that me again.  I'm not gonna let you kill me.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

    Posts : 5055
    Join date : 2012-01-30

    Re: my life totally sucks

    Post  The Great Splendini on Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:37 pm

    Jesus, man. Sounds like the Rocky Horror Picture Show.


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