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    Fucking fuck you alcohol!

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    Psioncy

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    Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 9:11 am

    You are some truly evil shit.

    I was on a bender that lasted days, doing god know what cuz I can't remember it.

    I hate what you do to me, it's so low degenerate what I become. I've shocked at what I write sometimes.

    You are just a path to Hell. Hell you *are* hell. I want you out of my life, there is nothing redeeming about you.

    You're just depravity and death.

    I'm tired of drowning in your poison, it's all downward. I want to build something positive for my life, something clean, forward moving.

    I think that's what I've decided, no matter how fucked things are in my life, i'm at least gonna move in the right direction.

    Drinking is straight down, especially the way I go about it. It just consumes everything.

    I take a sip and then DAYS go by with me being shit drunk. And then days of detoxing and recovery. Oh it sucks.

    God please help me not to drink again, please save my life. My mind is obsessed with alcohol and deceives me into drinking it.

    I need to be humble so I don't lose control of my mind.

    It's insane that my mind tricks itself into filling my body with poison over and over again. IT's just cuckoo suicidal madness.

    I was mad at God before because I asked him to help me stop and I failed to stop. But it did manage to slow me down....

    I figure I have to go with God, cuz what else has any shot of working? Nothing, that's what. it's all been tried already.

    I'm gonna beat it this time for good.




    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 10:50 am

    my only addiction was smoking for 1 year.

    never got hooked on alcohol.

    but yeah, these things have power.

    do some magic.

    take the alcohol and say "you don't have power over me" and flush it down the toilet.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 10:55 am

    I'm gonna beat you this time, you evil shit.

    You are probably the most destructive dangerous substance on the planet.

    The Koran calls you "the mother of all evil". Hell I'll throw a towel on my head if it's the only way to beat you.

    Well, I'll probably do it the more Christiany way, since i'm not really down for all the terrorism.

    I've been drinking for 8 years now, and trying to quit for as long. I had a successful run back in 2010, made it over six months.

    I've got to get it out of my head, i'm just obsessed with it. A bottle will just catch my eye in the store and I'll start staring at, mesmerized. Then you know, there's a decent chance I'll buy it. And if I resist, it'll just wait til next time.

    Of course the main mechanism of the addiction is the reward center in the brain stem. It sees the dopamine release as a high level reward and seeks it back out. And it turns the entire rest of the brain into its bitch, making you rationalize ways to consume alcohol.

    It's so insidious. Here I am pouring bottlefuls of poison into my body, and I even know I'm doing that, and still I can't stop it.

    I took a drink last week and whoosh! 3-4 days happened of non-stop drinking.

    I've got to focus my mind of this entirely. Cuz that's it how gets me, it lays in wait til my guard is down.

    Of course that's still obsessing over alcohol, but at least i'm obsessing on the negatives.

    There really isn't much in terms of positives, you can feel that stuff poisoning you even as it's working it's feel-good magic.

    Injuries, detoxing, hallucinations, loss of property, loss of dignity, shame, violence, accidents, death, jail, DTs, high blood pressure, stroke, digestive problems... I mean there really is *nothing* worthwhile about it -except the dopamine rush of course, but that doesn't even last so long. Look at my posts, I might have a couple witty ones in my first hour or two drinking, but that after that it all turns into profanity, racism, or jibberish.

    All those negatives for an hour or so of feel good time. It's just incredibly stupid.

    IT's ubiquitioius. Everywhere I go I'm passing bars, stores selling it, restaurants serving it. It's just all over the place.

    What do expats do in this city? They go to bars or brewhouses or danceclubs what have you.

    The fun stops though as the alcoholism progresses, cuz it becomes more and more about the alcohol than whatever else you're doing.

    Until you're like me and just buying bottle after bottle of liquor to drink at home.

    I'm not saying everyone who drinks socially develops into a raging alky like me, but enough of us do.

    There are some alkies that manage to drink moderately for years and years, and then one the lids gets blown off and it's full on binge drinking.

    I'm so sick of it. If I can't beat it this time, I think I just want it to kill me as quickly as possible. I'm gonna beat it.

    I'm gonna get my head on straight and beat this bitch.






    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:03 am

    The Great Splendini wrote:my only addiction was smoking for 1 year.

    never got hooked on alcohol.

    but yeah, these things have power.

    do some magic.

    take the alcohol and say "you don't have power over me" and flush it down the toilet.


    Yeah some people are more addiction prone than others.

    I never got "hooked" on drinking until 8 years ago, and even then it was just once a week or whatever.

    It progressed though. Now I go through withdrawal, DTs, hallucinations, the bugs crawling on the skin, the works.

    It's really fucking awful. Last night I almost had an accident biking back from the store, dodging hallucinations.

    Then I ran into this enormous dragonfly. And watched it thinking it was a hallucination, turned out it was real, I think. There's really no way to know for sure.

    The hallucinations are backing off today thank god. That's why I keep writing and writing, and deleting, and writing.. to keep them at bay.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:09 am

    the worst thing is a lot of the girls in these places are also junkies.

    a couple of times i met girls in clubs.

    i ONLY go to try to meet girls.

    i could care less about drinking or the crappy music in these places.

    but a couple of times i got a girl's number and then she wants to meet up back at the club the next night and wants me to pay for her drinks (like hundreds and hundreds of kuai).

    these people in clubs get addicted to the drinking and also to the adrenaline rush of being in a crowd of people drinking, loud music, lights.

    me, i could care less about any of this stuff.

    just some sex would be nice.


    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:10 am

    hahaha,

    dodging hallucinations.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:32 am

    The Great Splendini wrote:the worst thing is a lot of the girls in these places are also junkies.

    a couple of times i met girls in clubs.

    i ONLY go to try to meet girls.

    i could care less about drinking or the crappy music in these places.

    but a couple of times i got a girl's number and then she wants to meet up back at the club the next night and wants me to pay for her drinks (like hundreds and hundreds of kuai).

    these people in clubs get addicted to the drinking and also to the adrenaline rush of being in a crowd of people drinking, loud music, lights.

    me, i could care less about any of this stuff.

    just some sex would be nice.


    Yeah, well that's part of the allure is the possibility of casual sex. Alcohol really loosens them up. I use that one to get me drinking sometimes, I think "go find a woman". That never happens anymore though because I'm drinking straight liquor and too hammered to pick up a lady.

    And you have to be careful because they might look good in that club lighting, but hideous when the sun comes up.

    I've decided to write off women for a while til I get myself straightened out. The half-dead drunk thing doesn't exactly get them lining up for you anyway

    Quit drinking for a month, then go find a woman who doesn't drink either.

    They make you drink too, a lot of them. I even had one from TBJ who insisted we drink at her place, no drinky no pussy. I passed too, because I was really trying to sober up. But of course I was frustrated as hell about it later.

    It's just as well, I just would have gotten so hammered she would have booted me out or I wouldn't remember it.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:44 am

    People really act like assholes at clubs. Or bars too I suppose.

    Look how I talk when I'm drunk, like a complete stupid asshole.

    My brain is all traded up from the liquor, yet I'm confident that anything I'm saying is profound shit that needs to be heard.

    Sometimes I'll even think, hey you're drunk now. What you just wrote is probably really stupid.

    Then I'll read it again and say "nah! that is profound shit" Then the next morning I reread it, it's fucking jibberish.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:53 am

    one of the biggest problems i find in clubs in china is that the women there are hardly ever alone.

    they go out in large groups which always include men.

    so that means if you start chatting up a girl, she'll invite you to her table full of other girls and guys.

    and then the guys often get jealous and try to interfere.

    not that i was ever a playboy. i don't go to clubs that much. and i don't pick up girls in clubs that much.

    but at least in the clubs back home you could more easily just chat up a girl. here's it's like a fucking obstacle course with the fucking jealous male friends trying to interfere.

    oh yeah, snoop dog and psy (the gangnam style guy) have a new song called "Hangover". check the video on youtube. it's a typical Matrix-y song with stupid lyrics. they WANT you to drink. the more you get drunk and spend your time puking, the more miserable you'll be.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:57 am

    You realize too that some of those clubs hire girls to get you to buy them drinks.

    Whatever if I gotta pass on some women for the sake of sobriety, so be it.

    Just like a normal girl who likes to try restaurants, bike, and can understand English tv shows and movies without me having to explain everything. If she goes to clubs I'm just gonna regard her as a non-starter.

    I have to put sobriety first, otherwise I'm just gonna be dead and there'll be no women or anything else.

    It is too bad though cuz the odds of getting a drunk women home from a bar are lot better than from a sober dinner-date.



    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:09 pm

    Yeah I noticed his too, more and more over the years. Back 6-8 years ago it was actually pretty common to find single attractive women out at a club alone, and maybe even pick them up. Now like you say it seems like more large groups and cockblocking douchebags. And more of a fashion scene too.

    People will spend a fortune just to get a table at a place like vics to show off their sexy GF and get jealous everytime some guy notices her or tries to chat her up.

    I've had that happen where some Chinese dude invites me to dance with his GF, and then I do, and he suddenly drops his friendly smile and gets inexplicably pissed off. They're caught between wanting to show off what they got, and not letting anyone else get at it.

    I've never understood the mentality. It doesn't seem like an enjoyable night out at all.



    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:44 pm

    there's a lot of strange behavior going on in these bars.

    it's simply impossible not to get invited to a table by another guy. and then at the very least i get bored out of my wits or his gf starts chatting me up and he wants to kill me.

    i hate these chinese clubs.

    i'll try to avoid them as much as possible and get hitched in a long-term relationship again.

    by the way, you should (re)watch Requiem For a Dream. right up your alley.



    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:10 pm

    i nearly got myself killed a while back.

    because a guy invited me to his table.

    i stupidly accepted. i should have known better.

    his gf was talking to me quite a bit and being way too friendly.

    so at one point, he looks at me like he wants me dead.

    but the thing is, some of these girls are lecherous and stupid.

    who flirts with someone in front of a drunken boyfriend?

    a girl who wants her bf to get into a brawl and get himself killed?

    stupid people.

    too bad there aren't better venues to meet girls.

    like there should be a pick-up area in libraries.

    that would work great for a geek like me.

    what's that you're reading? being and nothingness? yes, it's all meaningless this whole thing isn't it? wanna come over to my place? i'll show you the secret to my spaghetti meat sauce.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:43 pm

    IMBD shows about four versions for that movie, which one are u suggesting?

    Yeah showing off your GF, or being a shown off GF are both pretty lame. Better to find one you really like, and stay out of the bar.

    Things can go south pretty fast with your GF at a bar. My ex loved to drink, and usually we got along great, but once in a while she would bitch out and it would turn in this hugely overdramatic scene. There are regulars at those clubs, always scoping everything out, and sleaze galore. Drugs, gangs, bouncers looking for an excuse to bash heads, drunks wanting to fight, whores. I used to spend a lot of time in the bars in SLT, usually the sleaziest dives. I've seen a lot of fucked up shit happen.

    Well hell, I *am* the fucked up shit half the time. My mouth can really start a lot shit, and it likes to when I'm drunk. I rarely remember anything. This last bender, I can remember coming and going out of some bars, but not being in one. What all happened? Fuck if I know. It's usually not good though, I've probably pissed at least someone off. It's pointless stupid and filthy. I just want it out of my life forever. Whatever it takes.

    Even if I have to keep talking about incessantly. Well people don't to have to read it. Last night I was writing all night and deleted it this morning. I'm trying to brainwash myself. Well it's not brainwashing, the alcohol really is doing terrible things to me. BUt it's amazing at deceiving me. Even now it's telling me to drink "a little" to relieve the withdrawal symptoms. And that's total shit, cuz I know what will happen, i'll just drink non-stop til I pass out, and be even more fucked later.

    "Just have a beer" "You can meet a girl" "Just have a few"..... again and again I get suckered in with the same lies. The result is always me dead drunk on way too much liquor. Fucking fuck, I hate alcohol. And the crazy thing is that i'm really good at figuring when people are lying to me, but I dupe myself over and over again. I need to stop lying. It's because my mind is filthy too. If I clean up my thoughts, maybe I can get a lid on the self-deception.




    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:55 pm

    I used to have some luck meeting girls over TBJ classifieds, but in the past couple years no dice. It's always like PMing with 30 to get to 1 who really wants to meet, and then meeting and she's late, or just wants to practice English, or some bullshit. All just a huge waste of time. Bars are obviously out for me so have no idea where to meet them anymore.

    I've just got women filed under "impossible" for the time being. Problem temporarily solved.

    I really don't care that much, all I want to do is recover. When you're this close to death, sex really loses it's importance. I just want LIFE.



    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:30 pm

    i've had so many money problems i don't even care about girls that much.

    i know how prostitutes feel.

    they're too desperate for money to enjoy the sex.

    yeah, hang in there man.

    life's too short to die young.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 7:39 pm

    Yeah, there's no benefit to dying. It sucks.

    I have to eat healthy drink water and abstain from alcohol for my body to heal.

    I'm still hallucinating like crazy, auditory ones. One was a song I actually memorized, ti's pretty good song.

    It takes at least 48-96 hours to get over the hump. Then health starts returning gradually. My problem is that I never get that long without drinking again so i'm just constantly beat down. That was one extreme bender. Another one like that, and I'm a gonner.

    I have flashes, like waking up in the park partly sobered. I had two bottles of liquor on me though, and before even figuring out where the F I was, I was downing them. Then I taxied back to my neighborhood, but I still didn't make it home cuz I walked past a bar. Then I remember buying large amounts liquor at least two other times. Those are like my only memories, flashes of buying the liquor, and coming in and out of bars, but nothing from inside them.

    I was completely fucking out of control that whole time. Like the liquor was commanding me and I was just going along for the ride.

    I still haven't eaten anything, it's been days. I better start I need vitamins and minerals to combat this damage to my systems. It's like I fucked up every single system and organ in my body. People who hate drunks, they don't get it. The suffering. I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. I'm putting an end to it to. This isn't living, it's dying, pointless self destruction.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 9:22 pm

    find a fucking hobby.

    occupy yourself with stuff you enjoy doing.

    so you want have TIME to drink.

    i'm buying a camera. getting into photography.

    learning guitar.

    just keep busy.

    and also, do some inner work. maybe writing your thoughts in a journal might help. work with your inner thoughts and emotions.

    art therapy?



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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:18 pm

    Drinking is a hobby, between doing it, passing out, and detoxing, it pretty has consumed all my energy, to the point of sapping my life-force away. I don't even work now, I just ddrink.

    Gotta change that. Gettting a job would be a good hobby to start with. I managed to convert my living room into a suitable classroom. I mean I got it all set up perfect. Just I've drunk for most the past week and the agents are flaky and I haven't checked my phone for that long either. Too busy drinking.

    I'll feel a lot better once a I get a handful of students and have my expenses covered. I don't want to work too much, maybe focus on some other hobbies like exercise and writing. If I overwork myself I'll get stressed and be more likely to relapse.



    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:29 pm

    yeah well not working is a recipe for disaster.

    there are plenty of teaching opportunities in beijing.

    just teach a few hours a week at least.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Tue Jul 08, 2014 2:22 am

    Yeah well I went out and visited a bunch of agenceys, but it wall all just bullshit. I'm gonna get plugging on that next, when I'm alive again. I just want to take on a few private students, like even just one class a day would be fine. It's just a bitch getting these agents asses into gear, they like talk a bunch of shit about how they're gonna get you students, and then nothing.

    I like the idea of teaching out of my home now. No commute! No crappy school with no printing facilities and broken internet.

    The place is neat as a pin and organized and ready to go.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:42 am

    Holy fuck, I finally slept.  It was a burning hallucinatory sleep with pains shooting through my body, but it was a few hours of sleep nonetheless.

    Then I went out and got myself a m'fkn cheeseburger at Katchup, and ate the whole thing.

    I'll be a functional human being again in couple days, i'm winding my way out of the woods.  Eating is important cuz the nerves can't heal with the lack of nutrients, but my digestive system was as fucked as all my other systems.

    The hallucinations have been unreal this time.  I'm still getting them.  I've even stepped into them a few times.

    I wish there were some way to hallucinate without knocking on death's door like this, cuz some of them are just amazing.  Better than dreams, movies, whatever.  So vivid and enthralling and detailed.  Well I mean there's drugs but I don't know, I don't think you can achieve this level of hallucination with drugs.  When I was young I did like mushrooms and stuff, but it match watch I see now.

    There's got to be a natural way to achieve it.  I've read about yogis who meditate and make themselves REM while awake, and I've done that before just by a fluke (not trying for it).  And maybe that's all my hallucinations are, are dreams forming in the visual cortex and playing out while my eyes are open.  (Or closed).  Those these are definitely in some ways than dreams also, so I can't be sure.  Last night, the hellivision went out, and I found I could induce the closed-eye hallucinations by flitting my eyes back and forth.  So that does make me think it's REM related.... since REM means rapid eye movement.

    Or maybe other parts of the brain are being accessed, like some third eye stuff.  I'm gonna pursue it once I recover, it'll give me something mind-altering to practice besides filthy profane drunkenness.


    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

    Boney M

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Boney M on Wed Jul 09, 2014 7:47 am

    Psioncy wrote:Holy fuck, I finally slept.  It was a burning hallucinatory sleep with pains shooting through my body, but it was a few hours of sleep nonetheless.

    Then I went out and got myself a m'fkn cheeseburger at Katchup, and ate the whole thing.

    I'll be a functional human being again in couple days, i'm winding my way out of the woods.  Eating is important cuz the nerves can't heal with the lack of nutrients, but my digestive system was as fucked as all my other systems.

    The hallucinations have been unreal this time.  I'm still getting them.  I've even stepped into them a few times.

    I wish there were some way to hallucinate without knocking on death's door like this, cuz some of them are just amazing.  Better than dreams, movies, whatever.  So vivid and enthralling and detailed.  Well I mean there's drugs but I don't know, I don't think you can achieve this level of hallucination with drugs.  When I was young I did like mushrooms and stuff, but it match watch I see now.

    There's got to be a natural way to achieve it.  I've read about yogis who meditate and make themselves REM while awake, and I've done that before just by a fluke (not trying for it).  And maybe that's all my hallucinations are, are dreams forming in the visual cortex and playing out while my eyes are open.  (Or closed).  Those these are definitely in some ways than dreams also, so I can't be sure.  Last night, the hellivision went out, and I found I could induce the closed-eye hallucinations by flitting my eyes back and forth.  So that does make me think it's REM related.... since REM means rapid eye movement.

    Or maybe other parts of the brain are being accessed, like some third eye stuff.  I'm gonna pursue it once I recover, it'll give me something mind-altering to practice besides filthy profane drunkenness.

    No one will claim your body. Wink

    Pick out a Chinese wooden box now before your placed in a LiNing box. HAHA


    The Great Splendini

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  The Great Splendini on Wed Jul 09, 2014 11:06 am

    i think it's safe to assume that he's an enemy, sciency.

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    Psioncy

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    Re: Fucking fuck you alcohol!

    Post  Psioncy on Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:44 pm

    Yeah it's UFC, but whatever he's probably right. I almost bought it this time, just like last time I tuned Helivision and swore I'd never let *that* happen again.

    The problem is I got nerve damage from the liquor, and although it semi-heals it's also semi-permanent. It's really upleasant, it causes sharp burning shooting pains all through the body, and mostly in the chest. Many times my chest has just exploding in blinding pain and I thought that was it, but it wasn't, it was just my chest nerves not my heart pe se.

    It's extremely miserable and the onset is about 10-12 hours after drinking. There's no sleeping with that much pain, you almost can't think. BUt there is *one* temporary cure, more drinking. That'll delay it another 12+ hours. SO in both these incidents, it's been 3-4 of non-stop drinking, in the vicious cycle of putting off the neuropathy. But of course, that just makes worse in the end. There's all this crap online about vitamin deficiency causing alcoholic neuropathy but it's bullshit, I eat a lot nutritious food w/ vinegar and garlic and vitimins. No, it's direct nerve poisoning from the liquor.

    Recovery the nervous system is a bitch, cuz it only semi-heals. I've been sucking down vitamins for four days, and I think i'm ready to sleep now. If I die, it won't be a shocker. And if history is any indicator of the present, my next self-destructive bender is only a matter of time. I mean I'm gonna try to hold it off, but this last bender? I don't even remember how it started, I don't even know where/when I took that first drink that set it off.


    _________________
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    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

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