@RB: I completely know what you mean. The alcohol just kicks my ass now, rather than me kicking any.
And there's the shame and guilt. The self-hatred. Even now today I'm starting to feel normal again. I'm not hallucinating. And already I'm getting thoughts about my next drink. The enjoyment phase is short-lived and barely remembered... if at all, but the paying for it phase is long lived. In the beginning, it was the other way around.
Look at you, you're sneaking around trying to hide it from your GF, and still getting caught. Let's both stop. Just no alcohol at all. There are other things in life to enjoy, and which can be enjoyed without the old demon, alcohol. It addicts you and slowly kills you, making you suffer horribly along the way. Everything it gave me in the beginning is just now an illusion I am chasing. I only end up staggering blackout drunk, pretty much every time. Once is a great while, I'll have a couple beers and stop. That doesn't happen often at all, but just enough to let the demon tell me, "See? You've got it under control now." Which, is of course, a blatant lie, but a lie I am desperate to believe, so I believe it. Then the next night I am passed out on the road somewhere. Or as Eggraid prefers, canals. I have also woken up next to a canal, the woods, stairwells, whathaveyou.
I can spare myself all that by just not drinking. But that's tricky too, because the demon lies in wait for a moment of weakness, then sends out the message at the most opportune time when I can't resist it. I change my mind on a sudden whim and end up with a drink in my hand.
"Just drink beer."
"You might meet a girl at the bar."
"Alternate between liquor and water."
"Go home at a certain time."
Blah blah blah blah blah. All lies. It's always the same thing, and that thing is shit.