People who don't have it don't understand it. Prior to ten years ago, I didn't. Sure I used to get drunk -but only maybe three times a year. I was not obsessed with it; addiction had not taken hold.
Like you, I'm worried I will drink again regardless of how bad last (or any time was.) Because it lays in waiting, waiting for my moment of weakness. It tells me "you need to have some fun" and "it'll be ok this time, just don't drink too much, stick to beer" or any other myriad of lies to get me to relent on my abstinence, which *is* based on rationality.
I'm recovering from my last one. The fog is clearing and feeling like a human being again. That's when I'm in the most danger. As soon as I feel good, I want to take it to the next level. I don't necessarily drink from depression. I drink from addiction. Feeling great, feeling awful, feeling stressed, feeling secure... it matters little. I will still drink at the first opportunity to do so.
People who don't understand it are incredibly unhelpful. They'll blame you or tell you "just don't drink so much." I know because 11 years ago, I was one of them. Now, on the other side of it, I get it. Addiction means something is beyond one's control. I've been quitting drinking for as long as I've been drinking. My only successful run at sobriety was being couped away at rural house in Maine with no car or access to a store. And even then I was thinking about it all the time... waiting to get that opportunity. I always think it's gonna be something great, and it always turns into something godawful shitty. My lying brain just forgets and resets for some reason.
I'm quite an honest person, except when it comes to myself and alcohol. I'm being honest now, but once that demon takes over, I'll lie relentlessly to myself until that bottle is in my hand. Sometimes I go to the store just to buy water and smokes and walk out with liquor. That m'fkr was planning it whole time. Sometimes my feet are walking to a liquor store or bar and my mind is yelling at them to stop, but they never do.
Yeah, it's a truly awful thing. I'm still trying to beat it, failure after failure after failure. I have to. Giving up is guaranteed death.