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    Meltdown(s)

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    The Great Splendini

    Posts : 5171
    Join date : 2012-01-30

    Meltdown(s)

    Post  The Great Splendini on Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:30 pm

    I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago.

    I think they will become more frequent as I head into the home stretch / final years.

    After one struggle after another....

    There is a build up of fucking anger / resentment / hatred / frustration.

    Arghhhhhhhhh!


    The Great Splendini

    Posts : 5171
    Join date : 2012-01-30

    Re: Meltdown(s)

    Post  The Great Splendini on Wed Aug 09, 2017 8:22 pm

    I'm having a complete fucking breakdown.

    My life, up to this point, has been a complete farce and a cluster-fuck of a failure.

    Tesla's failed incomplete inventions make me look like a joke.

    Let's face it. I don't know shit from shinola about diddly squat.

    And I'm totally fucking broke.

    All I got is my harmonica.

    I did it all for YOU, Monica.

    The Great Splendini

    Posts : 5171
    Join date : 2012-01-30

    Re: Meltdown(s)

    Post  The Great Splendini on Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:53 am

    I figured something out though.

    Sometimes you can pick up other people's negativity.

    And then the line between your emotions and their emotions becomes blurred.

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    Psioncy

    Posts : 6762
    Join date : 2010-05-02

    Re: Meltdown(s)

    Post  Psioncy on Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:41 am

    Well there, we have a lot in common then.

    My life is f-ed up beyond measure too.

    I spent months looking for work and got two jobs. The online one turned out to be bullshit and the one in China may botched now cuz of paperwork. Without going into detail, I can say the ins and outs of the problem are utterly ridiculous. Basically the agents are incompetent, but it doesn't matter because I can't make the starting date for the school now.

    I'm on my second 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. Polishing off the last of it actually.

    It's like the entire world is forever against me. Stuff that most people consider basic and take for granted is, to me, a constant struggle.

    I got divorced recently... finally. I haven't set eyes on that bitch in over a decade. I won't go on about it but the court system is a joke.

    I still haven't heard back from the agent in China this week, which is not a good sign. I'm left in limbo once again and trying to drink my way out of it.

    My little fantasyland is all I have. At least I got the book out. But that ain't paying no bills.

    My income is at zero going into the fourth month in a row. There's no hope in sight because I invested all that time in preparing to take the job which is now... I don't even know.

    That would put back in China anyway, a land where I can never own property or start a business or anything. Even if I met a woman there, I'm divorced in the US but still married in China, so I'm in the same boat as ever.

    People are useless because they can't relate and tell me it's in my mind but it's not. My mind's a trainwreck, sure, but the things that led me here all originated in a inexplicably shitty external reality, an ongoing one at that.

    FUBAR follows me around like a puppy.

    So does poverty. I'm a hard working individual and I'm damned good at my job, but nothing matters cuz of the FUBAR.

    I'm bummed cuz this is the last of my vodka and it's not enough to take me where I need to go, which is completely out of mind. I can't get more cuz that would involve driving and I've already had some. Also I don't think there's money in my bank. Maybe enough for another 1.75 liter, but, again, can't drive nowhere, and I should stop anyway to get something done. I don't know what, but *something.* I can keep working on my edit I suppose. Keep watching science videos on youtube. maybe start writing the manuscript on the next volume.

    I've got food to eat and tobacco to roll and a bed to sleep in. But that's all I got, and everything that seems like a prospect turns out to be more false hope bullshit. If I could somehow make money I'd go back to Bangkok and just hang out with crazy chick every day. I feel horrible about her. I wanted to get here a place to stay and dental work and back on the path of basic hygeine. It was not sexual with her either. She had no ID so I couldn't even get her into a room even with the money to pay for it. And she's f-ing Thai, but it doesn't matter.

    And there's nothing I can do for her, cuz I can't even get anything done for myself. So she's out sleeping on the f-ing street right now, and I can't change it. My mind races back to how I could have done things differently in Thai, but actually the way I went about it was logical enough and there was quite a learning curve to it all so 20/20 hindsight is useless. Thinking I can do something now is a fantasy at best.

    At least I have rich fantasies. That's something. I can sit alone all day long with nothing and live in those worlds. Not that my fantasy world is a paradise either. My sci-fi series is riddled with conflict. Sometimes I like to imagine I'm rich, which to me is just having enough money to live, like own a cabin and have a car to drive and buy shit on amazon and have disposable income for hobbies. A wife to wash my clothes, that kind of thing. Things that are f-ing impossible for me.











    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."
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    Psioncy

    Posts : 6762
    Join date : 2010-05-02

    Re: Meltdown(s)

    Post  Psioncy on Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:59 am

    People always see me as a threat because I have a good mind. A fairly FREE mind.

    I'm not actually a threat to anyone and I operate both politely and rationally, but evil always comes a seeking for me.

    I'm far from evil, despite everyone's efforts here and the world in general to paint me as such.

    I'm nice to people. I do say what I think, however, and my thinking is incredibly threatening to m'fkrs. It's alien to most. I can't go backwards and become ignorant to match them, just can't. It's not an option. Alcohol sorta gets me there, and that's why I use it. It makes me f-ing stupid and able to believe in lies, delusion, etc. It puts me more on par with the bulk of humanity... or sometimes not. There's no telling what'll come out of my mouth once the juice is in me.



    _________________
    "It's all part of the plan."
    "What is the plan?"
    "I kind of make the plan up as I go."
    "That's not really a plan then."
    "Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans."

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    Re: Meltdown(s)

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